Where am I going again?

Today is my son's birthday! He's 17 today.  It's hard to imagine that in another year he'll be an 'adult'. Nope, not what I want to think about. He will always be my baby. This little tike toddling around and getting into mischief and then giggling until I can't help but laugh too. Of course, I think all mothers have this issue. But it brings to mind things I don't want to think about; mainly getting older.

Getting older sucks! Everything starts to either hurt or stop working. of course it doesn't help that the last 20 years of my life were spent in an industry where 'unfit' was almost a fashion statement. Living on Mt. Dew and Peanut M&M's was what I did best. I've struggled to change that in the last few years. I'm not actually sure how successful I've been. Some days it's hard to see the forest for the trees. Or in my case, the veggies for the candy bars. 

Ok, I admit it. I am a sugar-aholic. There. I said it. Not that there was ever any question, you know. It was simply a matter of admitting it to myself. I live in denial. Nice place, but it sure is hard to move out. It's fine to tell yourself, "Yep! I love sugar!" but it's another matter entirely to ask yourself, "What am I going to do about it?" My answer for years has been 'I don't know.' and that was end of it. Not any more. I can't afford to live in denial anymore. Damned expensive place!  So...where am I going now? Good question. I know where I want to go I'm just not sure how to get there. Ah, no. I know how to get there I just don't like the road trip. 

Resentment and anger lay in wait for me when I think about giving up sugar. Bastards. Always there in the background like sugar coated demons tempting me to pick up that candy or slice of pizza because 'tomorrow is another day to start over.' Do I really want to end up getting older and wishing I'd just taken life by the horns and done what was good for me? No.

So...

Where am I going again? Well, for starters I'm taking the next few weeks to plan and get my tools in place. Take time to think about what I want and why. To draw up menus and lists of alternative actions. To focus on living my life instead of just watching it slip by. Getting healthy means more than eating right and exercising. It means looking at my life and setting priorities and balancing what I do. Healthy is about more than food.

Challenge Me!

Some days I don't want to remember that I'm diabetic. Those are the days I resent that I have to take care of myself or die. That no matter how much I want to, I can't eat whatever I want. And those are some of the hardest days to deal with. That resentment can lead me to 'forgetting' to take care of myself.

One thing that helps are my friends and family. They challenge me and I need that. More than I think I realize. I have found that doing something for just me is hard to do. I'm a giving person but when it comes to giving to me, I'm not on that list. So when people challenge me to take care of myself it gives me a 'valid' reason to add myself to the giving list. Is that a proper way to view myself? Of course not. I know that but it's how my mind functions and while I work on accepting that I should be on that list it helps me to stop worrying about being selfish.

Seems rather silly, doesn't it? To worry about being selfish if I take care of myself, but I do. And having friends challenge me helps me deal with that issue while I learn better ways. For now that works. 

From there to here: A trucker's story

I was raised vegan. We didn't know it at the time as everything was called 'being vegetarian' then but looking back, that's what we were. I grew up eating things like home made bread, soups and stews that warm you from the inside out. There was no dairy, eggs or meat. Now I've eaten all of that over the intervening years and most in great quantities. Throw in a lot of sugary, fat fast food and I find myself where I am today. Diabetic on the way to heart problems and an early death. I did think that at least if I did kick off early I wouldn't have to contend with the zombie apocalypse  because I sure as hell wouldn't be able to out run them in the condition I was in!

Oh woe is me, right? Nope! I am an ever cheerful (sometimes annoyingly so) person with a smiling face in the world of trucking. And if there is one word that describes me, it's stubborn. So while I now wear a medical alert bracelet and take medicine for the diabetes and struggle with the whole getting healthy issue I haven't given up. In fact, looking back over the last couple years I've come a long way.

How long, you ask? Ok, maybe you didn't ask, but I'll answer it anyway. A couple years ago I still ate fast food and refused to give up candy. Drink diet soda? Are you crazy?! Blech! I had so many bad eating habits that I'd resigned myself to being over weight and unfit. So unfit, that I couldn't get in and out of my truck without huffing and puffing like a beached whale. I'm fairly certain I looked like one also. Now, I can actually walk half a mile and survive. I eat fresh fruit and vegetables as much as I can and I only eat fast food about once a week. I've come a long way, baby! I used to live on peanut M&M's (the 2lb bag) and Mt. Dew and Doritos. It could be days before I'd actually sit down in a truck stop and eat a meal. And if you're thinking that was healthy, you'd be wrong. Spaghetti or fettuccine was my 'drug' of choice. Oh the times I waddled back to my truck, making sure to stop in the convenience store to grab a candy bar on the way and eat it also as soon as I got in the truck. I don't question why I'm unhealthy and overweight. I know.

Remember the stubborn thing? Yeah. So I decided that that whole dying early thing wasn't on my To Do list and one day a couple years ago I went for a walk. Well, it was supposed to be a walk. A long walk. It didn't turn out that way. But I was sure proud of the tenth of a mile. I even posted it on my Facebook page.

As it turned out, that was the start of my journey to get fit and healthy. It's lead me through some interesting mental twists and turns and some self discovery that while painful was truly enlightening. That first tenth of a mile lead me to where I am today; almost 20 lbs lighter, certainly more fit and with a more positive attitude than I've had in decades. I still have a very long way to go but I keep telling myself:

"There is nothing to keep me from doing this except myself!"

Darkness Falls - My personal addiction

I don't have much spare time but what I do have is devoted to Darkness Falls. (link below) Know why? Because it allows me to stretch my imagination and creativity in ways most other online games don't. Oh, sure, if you log in it looks simple, maybe even boring but don't be deceived. What it lacks in graphics it more than makes up for in complexity and challenges.

I mean where else can you create a character and take them from zero to superhero or even villain with just a few clicks? And best of all write about it! It's so addictive I've created over six characters now. Each one distinct individuals that come with their own challenges as I try to build their stats and play the game.

And the other players are so much fun to interact with! What fun we have plotting and planning our character's demise or rise in the city! And being beta, it's still growing. Oh sure, there's bugs but they're taken care of so quickly and with such swift efficiency they might as well not be there at all. It's a growing community of players as diverse as the characters and that's what makes it so awesome to me.

With all of that, you might think it's a kid's game. It's not. In fact, it's inspired me to write a series of books based on the game. I won't give any spoilers yet but I know I'm going to have fun writing each story. And if you feel like checking it out, just click the link below.

Darkness Falls - the free to play game of mystery, shapeshifters, vampires and the occult.

Of Yarn and Trucking

Today is one of those days where I'd rather be doing anything but driving. Knitting, sewing, cooking, reading... Wait! Reading! Yes, I want to stop this truck and read. Spend the day curled up on my bunk, a cup of hot Gingerbread tea close at hand as I lose myself in the book my son picked out for me for Christmas; Zen and the Art of Knitting.

Sounds heavenly but not today. Today I'm making my way to Kansas City. Oh, I have plenty of time. I don't have to be there til Monday which means that when I stop I can get that cup of tea and relax. Maybe get a bit of knitting done. Knitting you ask? Yes, I knit. I'm currently working on this brilliantly red scarf for my son. I had hoped to get it done before I left out again right after New Years but alas it wasn't meant to be. I am, however, about 90% done.

Did that ruin your vision of what a trucker is? Sorry about that, but I'm not your average driver to be honest. I don't think there really is an 'average' driver anymore. Do you think plaid shirts and base ball caps when someone says trucker? Maybe you think Smokey and the Bandit or BJ and the Bear or even Convoy when they mention it. Sorry to burst your bubble but that's not me either. Oh, don't get me wrong, I love those movies! But I gave up outrunning the cops several years ago. Shh! Don't tell them though it gives them something to do.

So what's on the menu for tonight? Ah, but I'm tired and not in the mood to cook so I've stopped in Concordia, MO to eat in the truck stop. I know I'll regret that as most food to be found in truck stops is either greasy or bland. But tonight, it'll have to do.

See you next time!