WARNING! Negativity Ahead!

Have you ever been so worn out that you just want to sit in a corner and cry? Yeah, me too. I didn't have a corner to cry in though. I just sat in the driver's seat of my truck and sobbed. You know what broke me? I realized that I was in over my head and I had no way out. You see, I moved my truck from one company to another. I thought I was doing something great. That it would be hard, sure, but really worth the change. I haven't been so disappointed in...well, never!

The company has turned out to be disorganized and lacks communication between most departments. No one knows what anyone else is doing and the one that suffered was me. I took every last bit of money I had and jumped from the frying pan into the fire and got burned. Badly. I'm so angry and resentful and I have no one to aim that at because I was the one that made that decision. And crying? It didn't help. It just sent me into a tailspin of depression that I've been battling ever since. Because the shit didn't stop there.

I baby my truck. I admit it. I'm a truck baby'er. But it's my livelihood you see. Without this truck I have no income so do you really blame me for trying to take it easy? That ended with the switch. I ran out west (California to be exact) and with a heavy load. I tried to keep up with my trainer and friend. I wasted fuel trying to make sure I stayed with him because I was sick to my stomach that he would leave me behind and I was already feeling lost so I was running scared. I hate feeling like that. Dependent on another to help me. Hate it, hate it, hate it. But I discovered that I was completely dependent upon someone I didn't know if I could trust to stay with me. And he pushed. Pushed and pushed until I just broke. He never said I couldn't do this but it's what I heard. And it's what I internalized. I wasn't good enough, strong enough, fast enough to do this job and it broke me so I cried. I hate crying. Wanna know why? Because when I cry I just want someone to give me a hug. A warm, enveloping, comforting hug that says that there's someone there who understands and cares. But, you see, I don't have that. There's just me. And so when I cry I realize how utterly alone I really am and it hurts. It hurts to the deepest part of me because I realize that I don't have anyone and that is the most painful realization. To know that no matter how bad things get, you're alone. So I don't cry.

So here I am still fighting the urge to cry almost two weeks later because nothing is better. The truck has broken down twice more. It still needs work done to the tune of almost $2k and I still haven't gotten my first check. I've started eating junk food because I just want to feel better emotionally but all I'm doing is killing myself slowly. I hurt. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I'm so tired of everyone wanting something from me and not getting anything in return. I feel like I'm slowly being eaten away bit by bit and there's not much left. I don't know where to turn because I don't have anyone to turn to. No one. Family depends on me. Friends have their own worries. And I... I have me.

Yeah, I'm worn out but I have no choice but to keep going. I have this small hope, you know. That maybe someday I'll be lucky too and someone will care about me. Until then I'll just keep trying. It's all I have left.

Damage Done

You'd think that as much as I drive just being home would be a great stress relief. It's not. Being home throws me into a state of mind that is dangerous to my health. Wanna know why? Sure you do. You wouldn't be reading this if you weren't interested. Ok, so why, you ask, is being home dangerous? Well, because it's not where I have spent the majority of my time. It's rather like going on a vacation every few weeks. That sounds weird, doesn't it? That's just what it is to me though. Working and living in my truck for weeks at a time means I fall into a rhythm. Certain things happen at certain points during the day. I wake up, check my blood sugar, determine how much time I can spend on breakfast, dress and hop behind the wheel to start my day. It's been like that for as long as I can remember. Or at least long enough that it's become a habit.

So what's the problem with coming home? It means I have a completely different set of habits and issues I deal with. No, I don't really have a schedule when I'm home, just a list of things that I need to accomplish. I just switch 'jobs'. I go from worrying about getting freight from point A to point B and leap into trying to go places that I can't while I'm driving. I still have to see about grabbing the laundry from the house and dragging it inside to wash. This includes bedding as well as clothes. And then lugging in enough food from the truck so that I can eat. You see, I don't keep food in the house. I can't keep food in the freezer because it gets freezer burnt before I can eat it. I can't keep anything that is boxed or bagged as my friendly neighborhood ants like to visit. And canned food? There isn't much in the canned variety that I want to eat. I've actually become addicted to fresh food. You see my dilemma right? What's a driver to do?

I'll admit that there are times I don't even want to come home. That sounds terrible, doesn't it? It's ok, you can nod your head, I won't see. But, that being said, it's not because I don't miss my family, I do. I just don't want to be thrown off of my plan. I try so very hard to do the right thing and when I come home all my good intentions go in the toilet. I can't think of anything more frustrating than have to restart. Every. Single. Time. I come home.

So I've decided that 'coming home' can no longer be associated with a reason to 'cheat'. Cheating isn't an option because cheating will kill me. And frankly, I don't want to die. Not yet at any rate. I've got so much I've still got to do, I don't have time to die. I made a list of things I need to address. Wanna see? Ok, here they are.

• Make sure there is an exercise video in the house. Tell myself "Sure, no problem! I'll walk!" doesn't work.
• Keep medicine in the house. 
• Keep a glucometer in the house. I have one. I just need the strips for it.  
• Finding someone to do some grocery shopping for me before I get home so it's already in place and there's no excuse to grab some junk food.
• Hire someone to help me with the chores while I'm home so that I can actually relax and not sit and stare at all the stuff I don't have the energy to deal with.

The first one won't be a problem. I've got that covered. The next two, shouldn't be a problem either. But those last two...not so much. I'll have to think how to accomplish this. I just can't do what I've done this time. I have to stop eating stuff that I know is bad. 

Alright, so I move forward from here. Beat back the guilt and stress and keep going. My brain is so fogged right now that I find it hard to think beyond just wondering when it will get dark and I can just go to sleep. 

108

What's in a number? Well it could be anything. The amount of ingredients in a recipe. A mathematical or scientific equation. Numbers can even be the difference between life and death. Ha! That sounds dramatic, doesn't it?

108

A simple enough number. Rather enigmatic if taken by itself. But it was what I saw on my glucometer the other day. One hundred and eight. I simply stared at it, blinking, my heart pounding, mouth dry. Oh, the pounding heart and dry mouth? That was because I'd just finished walking. Oh! Did I startle you? Sorry about that. I do try to fight these impulses towards drama you know.

Ah, but back to that lovely, lovely number. 108. I haven't seen that number in...Well, never actually. My numbers have always run in the 200's, even 300's. And yes, I admit it, even into the 400's a few times when I've 'forgotten' that I'm diabetic.

But 108!

Ok, yes, now I'm just gloating. Again, apologies. I wonder if I can explain how wonderfully frightening that number was to me. I've wished for years to have a number that low. So very...normal. And there it was, right there in front of me. I can tell you now without too much embarrassment that I squee'd. Yes, yes I did. I actually squee'd and bounced in my seat. I wanted to shout it to the world! And yet, I wanted to hug that number to myself like a small joyful secret. It wasn't just any number to me. It was what I have needed for a long time; that little boost to keep me going. That wonderful pat on the back that says you've accomplished something. That all your worry and stress and trying to do the right thing were working.

And deep down inside, I felt just a little more healthy.

The beautiful number didn't remain there, of course. It went up. And down. And up again. But in the back of mind I know that if I keep doing what I'm doing, it'll go back there. And that means that I can start working towards my next goal.

What's for breakfast?

"What's for breakfast?"

I usually ask myself that question the night before with all good intentions. The next morning I've forgotten the answer and grab what sounds good. This results in eating things that aren't good for me. Ok, maybe not quite as bad as that as I have made a conscious effort to refrain from junk food, but still...not the best.  Because frankly, I don't care what Subway says, that egg, cheese and spinach/green pepper foot long has way too many carbs!

So I sought the help of my local diabetes counselor. I have to say she's been beyond fabulous! Let me take a moment to add, "Thank you so much Shelley"! I gave her a list of what I like to eat (all healthy choices, of course) and she gifted me with a week's menu. I'm so excited! Now that question is no longer a bother because I can use what she's given me to make a month's worth of menus.

I'm going to plug the menu into my Google calendar next and also print out a pretty calendar to hang in the bunk so that at just a quick glance I can see the answer to that age old question, "What's for breakfast?"

Sample Breakfast

6 oz yogurt

½ c oatmeal

8 oz soy milk

2 veggie sausage links

Sounds pretty tasty, right? I'm wondering if I can throw a handful of walnuts in that oatmeal for a bit of crunch? Oh man, I'm actually looking forward to breakfast! 

New Year - New Goals

January 1, 2013

6:15 PM CST

Every year everyone makes resolutions. Every year I do the same. I'm lucky if they last past the 3rd. Not because I don't have the willpower or because I don't care but because I get distracted with the day to day chores and simply forget. It's so easy to slip back into old schedules and habits with unthinking and mindless behavior.

I'm sure I'll have to set multiple alarms throughout the day to remind me to eat. It sounds rather ridiculous when written down but there are days where I miss eating. Not because I'm not hungry but because I don't feel like I have the time to stop and eat. It's part of being a trucker. That whole 'Freight must be delivered on time no matter what' is a real health killer. As a driver you don't realize how much this attitude can affect you. It takes years for it to show but when it does it shows as diabetes, high blood pressure and heart disease and other life threatening issues. Not a pretty end to someone who was only trying to do a job.

So now that I'm 45 and have multiple health issues that affect my ability to live a quality life I'm taking steps to reverse 'time' and get my life back. The first step is to design a plan that can fit with my lifestyle. Yes, that's right. Lifestyle. I don't just have a job or a career. I live a certain type of lifestyle. It involves living in a truck for weeks on end. Taking showers in truckstops. Eating in restaurants or figuring out how to prepare food in a truck with no running water or normal appliances or counter space. Just a bed and a couple of closets. Working 80+ hours a week up to 14 hours a day for weeks at a time. Yeah, it's not just a job.

The first step is making sure that I'm reminded to eat at proper intervals and that I have healthy food in the truck. Not only in the truck but within reach so that if I don't have time to stop I can at least have nutritious food and don't have to resort to junk food. 

I have an app on my Android phone that allows me to set multiple alarms. It doesn't take into account that each day on the road is different. I get up at different times each day. I go to bed at odd hours. I may have a day of driving from point A to point B or I could have a day of waiting to load or unload or hurry here or there in an effort to get the freight taken care of with no time to stop. And in between all of this I must make sure the alarms are set to proper times. Challenging? Yes! An ongoing challenge and one that if I am to succeed I'm going to have to get a handle on. So what's the plan? Well, what I've got so far is this:

The Plan:

• Set the alarms on the phone for the initial times
• Make sure the diet plan is posted in clear view as a reminder
• Take time to relax each day

Each one of those require focus and a positive attitude. Something can be hard to come by some days. But it's a start and I've read that instead of trying to find a starting point you should just start where you are and go on from there. So that's my starting point. Each day will be a new chance to start from where I am. No excuses, no looking back, no self blame. Only a plan, a goal and the will to succeed.

Where am I going again?

Today is my son's birthday! He's 17 today.  It's hard to imagine that in another year he'll be an 'adult'. Nope, not what I want to think about. He will always be my baby. This little tike toddling around and getting into mischief and then giggling until I can't help but laugh too. Of course, I think all mothers have this issue. But it brings to mind things I don't want to think about; mainly getting older.

Getting older sucks! Everything starts to either hurt or stop working. of course it doesn't help that the last 20 years of my life were spent in an industry where 'unfit' was almost a fashion statement. Living on Mt. Dew and Peanut M&M's was what I did best. I've struggled to change that in the last few years. I'm not actually sure how successful I've been. Some days it's hard to see the forest for the trees. Or in my case, the veggies for the candy bars. 

Ok, I admit it. I am a sugar-aholic. There. I said it. Not that there was ever any question, you know. It was simply a matter of admitting it to myself. I live in denial. Nice place, but it sure is hard to move out. It's fine to tell yourself, "Yep! I love sugar!" but it's another matter entirely to ask yourself, "What am I going to do about it?" My answer for years has been 'I don't know.' and that was end of it. Not any more. I can't afford to live in denial anymore. Damned expensive place!  So...where am I going now? Good question. I know where I want to go I'm just not sure how to get there. Ah, no. I know how to get there I just don't like the road trip. 

Resentment and anger lay in wait for me when I think about giving up sugar. Bastards. Always there in the background like sugar coated demons tempting me to pick up that candy or slice of pizza because 'tomorrow is another day to start over.' Do I really want to end up getting older and wishing I'd just taken life by the horns and done what was good for me? No.

So...

Where am I going again? Well, for starters I'm taking the next few weeks to plan and get my tools in place. Take time to think about what I want and why. To draw up menus and lists of alternative actions. To focus on living my life instead of just watching it slip by. Getting healthy means more than eating right and exercising. It means looking at my life and setting priorities and balancing what I do. Healthy is about more than food.

Challenge Me!

Some days I don't want to remember that I'm diabetic. Those are the days I resent that I have to take care of myself or die. That no matter how much I want to, I can't eat whatever I want. And those are some of the hardest days to deal with. That resentment can lead me to 'forgetting' to take care of myself.

One thing that helps are my friends and family. They challenge me and I need that. More than I think I realize. I have found that doing something for just me is hard to do. I'm a giving person but when it comes to giving to me, I'm not on that list. So when people challenge me to take care of myself it gives me a 'valid' reason to add myself to the giving list. Is that a proper way to view myself? Of course not. I know that but it's how my mind functions and while I work on accepting that I should be on that list it helps me to stop worrying about being selfish.

Seems rather silly, doesn't it? To worry about being selfish if I take care of myself, but I do. And having friends challenge me helps me deal with that issue while I learn better ways. For now that works.