Have you ever been so worn out that you just want to sit in a corner and cry? Yeah, me too. I didn't have a corner to cry in though. I just sat in the driver's seat of my truck and sobbed. You know what broke me? I realized that I was in over my head and I had no way out. You see, I moved my truck from one company to another. I thought I was doing something great. That it would be hard, sure, but really worth the change. I haven't been so disappointed in...well, never!
The company has turned out to be disorganized and lacks communication between most departments. No one knows what anyone else is doing and the one that suffered was me. I took every last bit of money I had and jumped from the frying pan into the fire and got burned. Badly. I'm so angry and resentful and I have no one to aim that at because I was the one that made that decision. And crying? It didn't help. It just sent me into a tailspin of depression that I've been battling ever since. Because the shit didn't stop there.
I baby my truck. I admit it. I'm a truck baby'er. But it's my livelihood you see. Without this truck I have no income so do you really blame me for trying to take it easy? That ended with the switch. I ran out west (California to be exact) and with a heavy load. I tried to keep up with my trainer and friend. I wasted fuel trying to make sure I stayed with him because I was sick to my stomach that he would leave me behind and I was already feeling lost so I was running scared. I hate feeling like that. Dependent on another to help me. Hate it, hate it, hate it. But I discovered that I was completely dependent upon someone I didn't know if I could trust to stay with me. And he pushed. Pushed and pushed until I just broke. He never said I couldn't do this but it's what I heard. And it's what I internalized. I wasn't good enough, strong enough, fast enough to do this job and it broke me so I cried. I hate crying. Wanna know why? Because when I cry I just want someone to give me a hug. A warm, enveloping, comforting hug that says that there's someone there who understands and cares. But, you see, I don't have that. There's just me. And so when I cry I realize how utterly alone I really am and it hurts. It hurts to the deepest part of me because I realize that I don't have anyone and that is the most painful realization. To know that no matter how bad things get, you're alone. So I don't cry.
So here I am still fighting the urge to cry almost two weeks later because nothing is better. The truck has broken down twice more. It still needs work done to the tune of almost $2k and I still haven't gotten my first check. I've started eating junk food because I just want to feel better emotionally but all I'm doing is killing myself slowly. I hurt. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I'm so tired of everyone wanting something from me and not getting anything in return. I feel like I'm slowly being eaten away bit by bit and there's not much left. I don't know where to turn because I don't have anyone to turn to. No one. Family depends on me. Friends have their own worries. And I... I have me.
Yeah, I'm worn out but I have no choice but to keep going. I have this small hope, you know. That maybe someday I'll be lucky too and someone will care about me. Until then I'll just keep trying. It's all I have left.
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