Damage Done

You'd think that as much as I drive just being home would be a great stress relief. It's not. Being home throws me into a state of mind that is dangerous to my health. Wanna know why? Sure you do. You wouldn't be reading this if you weren't interested. Ok, so why, you ask, is being home dangerous? Well, because it's not where I have spent the majority of my time. It's rather like going on a vacation every few weeks. That sounds weird, doesn't it? That's just what it is to me though. Working and living in my truck for weeks at a time means I fall into a rhythm. Certain things happen at certain points during the day. I wake up, check my blood sugar, determine how much time I can spend on breakfast, dress and hop behind the wheel to start my day. It's been like that for as long as I can remember. Or at least long enough that it's become a habit.

So what's the problem with coming home? It means I have a completely different set of habits and issues I deal with. No, I don't really have a schedule when I'm home, just a list of things that I need to accomplish. I just switch 'jobs'. I go from worrying about getting freight from point A to point B and leap into trying to go places that I can't while I'm driving. I still have to see about grabbing the laundry from the house and dragging it inside to wash. This includes bedding as well as clothes. And then lugging in enough food from the truck so that I can eat. You see, I don't keep food in the house. I can't keep food in the freezer because it gets freezer burnt before I can eat it. I can't keep anything that is boxed or bagged as my friendly neighborhood ants like to visit. And canned food? There isn't much in the canned variety that I want to eat. I've actually become addicted to fresh food. You see my dilemma right? What's a driver to do?

I'll admit that there are times I don't even want to come home. That sounds terrible, doesn't it? It's ok, you can nod your head, I won't see. But, that being said, it's not because I don't miss my family, I do. I just don't want to be thrown off of my plan. I try so very hard to do the right thing and when I come home all my good intentions go in the toilet. I can't think of anything more frustrating than have to restart. Every. Single. Time. I come home.

So I've decided that 'coming home' can no longer be associated with a reason to 'cheat'. Cheating isn't an option because cheating will kill me. And frankly, I don't want to die. Not yet at any rate. I've got so much I've still got to do, I don't have time to die. I made a list of things I need to address. Wanna see? Ok, here they are.

• Make sure there is an exercise video in the house. Tell myself "Sure, no problem! I'll walk!" doesn't work.
• Keep medicine in the house. 
• Keep a glucometer in the house. I have one. I just need the strips for it.  
• Finding someone to do some grocery shopping for me before I get home so it's already in place and there's no excuse to grab some junk food.
• Hire someone to help me with the chores while I'm home so that I can actually relax and not sit and stare at all the stuff I don't have the energy to deal with.

The first one won't be a problem. I've got that covered. The next two, shouldn't be a problem either. But those last two...not so much. I'll have to think how to accomplish this. I just can't do what I've done this time. I have to stop eating stuff that I know is bad. 

Alright, so I move forward from here. Beat back the guilt and stress and keep going. My brain is so fogged right now that I find it hard to think beyond just wondering when it will get dark and I can just go to sleep.